Tested your EQ lately?

Emotional intelligence can bring far greater success at work and at home than technical skills ever will

By Bill Benjamin

What sets great leaders apart from average leaders is not their IQs, technical skills or even their industry experience. It is their emotional intelligence — their ability to manage their own emotions and those of others. In fact, according to a study by the Center for Creative Leadership in Greensboro, NC (www.ccl.org), the two main derailers of a great career have nothing to do with raw intelligence, but with a person's inability to manage relationships and to deal effectively with change.

Nowhere are these issues more pronounced than in a family-owned business. Often, family members' key relationships at work are also their key relationships at home — father, spouse, brother, mother. This makes those relationships more intense and difficult to manage.

Here we will explore the key competencies of emotional intelligence, how they relate to leadership and family relationships, and how people can improve their emotional intelligence and manage critical relationships.

What is emotional intelligence?
Emotional intelligence is the capacity for managing and motivating your emotions and those of others. As the illustration shows, the key competencies of emotional intelligence are self-awareness, emotional management and emotional connection. Mastering these skills will lead to great personal leadership.

EQ and business
What makes a great leader? IQ and technical skills contribute something to the equation (we need some of these qualities, or threshold competencies, just to be in the game). But when it comes to inspiring and leading people, other ingredients are required -- self-control and empathy, in particular. A study comparing individuals who were promoted to president/CEO positions with those who were passed over for the same positions showed the successful candidates were seven times more likely to display high levels of self-control (the ability to manage difficult emotions and do what needs to be done even if it feels uncomfortable to do so) and three times more likely to display empathy than those who did not make the grade. IQ and other skills (such as technical expertise) made little or no difference.

Applying EQ to a family-owned business
Think about how self-control and empathy affect our coworkers, when these same people are also family members. This is quite a unique situation; after all, how many people see their coworkers at home? Naturally, emotional issues are dramatically intensified. Our ability to do what's difficult – to have courageous conversations – and to tune into how our behaviour affects others become all the more important.

As the leader of a family-owned business, developing your emotional intelligence skills will help maintain your employees' performance while keeping your home relationships strong.

Self-awareness
This is the foundation of EQ: knowing how your emotions are affecting your behaviour and that of the people around you. A lack of self-awareness can have a negative impact on a business. For example, let's say an owner is frustrated that an employee is not meeting deadlines. If that frustration comes across as anger, the employee will be demoralized even further. But if the owner is aware of his or her own frustration and can channel it well – by skillfully airing his or her concern about deadlines rather than getting angry – he or she is likely to inspire the desired change.

High-performing leaders know when emotions are getting the best of them and find productive ways to channel them. Emotional intelligence is not about hiding, pretending emotions don't exist or being nice; it's about recognizing how our emotions affect us and responding skilfully.

Emotional management
If we are tired and having a bad day, and our spouse – who is also our business partner – gives us bad news, it's easy to lose control and lash out. After all, we think, it's only our spouse. But while a spouse may forgive such behaviour at the time, the long-term consequences are disastrous. Ineffective management of emotions will sabotage any important relationship. We can predict with 94% accuracy which marital relationships will survive and thrive and which will fall apart, based on one EQ quality: how skilfully we air our grievances. In other words, it is not the waves we face in a relationship — it is how we surf them that predicts long-term success. In a family-run business, the implications are obvious.

Great leaders don't fly off the handle and bark orders when things get tough. The movies depicting the leader (usually military) who in an impassioned burst of emotion puts people in their place and saves the day with his brilliance are just plain wrong. Quite the opposite is true. Great leaders are those who, when facing challenges, maintain a sense of calm so a better decision can be made. Great leaders can suspend their judgment and avoid making snap decisions.

This is not to say leaders are laid back; they just show more self-control. They are more decisive since they have taken time to hear everyone's point of view and evaluated the situation calmly and methodically.

People who remain calm and decisive under adverse conditions infect those around them, helping them remain calm. Neurological research indicates that emotions are highly infectious. Knowing this and managing our impulses in the heat of the moment is the basis for creating emotional connections with others. These build the trust that lubricates, buffering our important relationships when we have to make unpopular decisions — such as in succession planning.

Emotional connection
Empathy is the foundation of emotional connections. Being empathetic means suspending our judgment when considering the words or actions of others. This gives us an opportunity to ask questions and get a better understanding of what is motivating another person. Too often, people react to something said without finding out what was really meant. Amazingly, most people jump to a conclusion based on only 5% of available information.

The other key to empathy is seeing things from another's point of view, but confronting the issues with that person. Empathy means understanding what is happening with the other person from an emotional point of view before taking action. For example, if a business owner takes a command and control approach and berates an employee for missing deadlines, chances for improvement are small and there is a cost to how inspired that employee will be. Conversely, if the leader takes the time to connect with the employee and ask the right questions, he or she might discover there is a reason deadlines are being missed. For example, the employee may lack self-confidence in the assigned task.

Rather than come down on someone who lacks confidence, an effective leader offers encouragement and support. Maybe the person needs help with the task. Once a leader provides encouragement and support, he or she can start setting goals for the employee to meet.

Courageous conversations
One of the most important skills in managing a relationship is the ability to air grievances. Biting your tongue may seem appropriate in some situations, but it usually leads to unresolved feelings and negative emotions that are toxic to the long-term success of that relationship.

Let's look at the leader dealing with the employee not meeting deadlines. Many managers struggle when addressing an underperforming employee. They usually take the safe way out, refraining from speaking the truth, because deep down, they want to be liked and giving an employee a bad review might do the opposite. If we see it as our purpose to serve the other person, then we see that addressing underperforming employees actually serves them, since we are giving them an opportunity to improve. Not easy, but critical.

Imagine how difficult such a conversation would be when the person is a family member. But airing grievances is important. In the long run, the negative impact of not saying how we feel will be much more damaging to that relationship than speaking up.

Leadership at work, happiness at home
The fundamental competencies of emotional intelligence – self-awareness, emotional management and emotional connection – are critical to anyone who is running a family- owned business and wants to develop personal leadership skills and maintain a healthy balance between work and home life.

These skills can take years to master. We have found that one of the best ways is to find  a coach or mentor – someone you can use as a sounding board to help you get at the issues that are hindering your progress.

Other ways to develop your EQ skills include reading, practising skills with a trusted friend, seeking feedback, attending courses on emotional intelligence, and telling a friend how you feel and what you'd like to improve.

The path to greater emotional intelligence is challenging, but the rewards — success at work and greater happiness in your personal life — are well worth it.

Bill Benjamin (bill.benjamin@ihhp.com) is the CEO of the Institute for Health and Human Potential (www.ihhp.com) in Chicago, ILL.